I have this friend
Gator who's hysterically funny. She's a free-spirited chiropractor. She's also today's guest blogger. Sit back and get comfy because you're really going to enjoy this. Here goes:
My dearest JS was raised in the frosty suburbs of Lansing, Michigan. (JS is my fian-hub, or hub-iance. Which rhymes nicely with Beyonce.) I’m pretty sure that it stays really cold there all year round from his accounts of childhood. Like, I don’t think they even have summer. When I think of Michigan, I can only think of car production and miserable cold because when asked about Michigan, JS just shivers a little, wrinkles his nose and says, “Eh. It’s cold. Lots of snow. If you don’t cover it up, it’ll freeze off.” Stuff like that.
Until now.
So I’m at the office the other day, finishing up with my last patient visit when I hear my phone vibrate in my pocket. I sneak a quick peak and I see a text from JS that reads, “Remind me to tell you about the story of the tentacles and testicles.” I couldn’t help but giggle and then I decided NOT to share that tasty little morsel with my patient. Although it was really tempting.
Fast forward: 2 days later. JS takes me out on a romantic dinner date to the Brick Oven where we split a dried cranberry, gorgonzola and greens salad (with candied pecans) and killed a large oven fired pizza all by ourselves. There may have also been a double coffee and tiramisu incident… But really, that’s beside the point.
Back to the point. So JS finally decided to explain about the tentacles and testicles. He said that when he was in the fourth grade his teacher, Kitty Hoke, had read a book to his fourth grade class about an octopus that attacks a ship, and then they were tested over the material. (Ms. Kitty was also a member of the infamous duo known as ‘Kitty and Steve with pigs on the bottom of their pool’) When trying to answer a question JS became confused because the answer he was looking for was not on his paper. He bravely approached Ms. Kitty’s desk and asked, “Ms. Kitty… Does an octopus have testicles?” To which she calmly replied with a stone cold straight face, “TENTACLES.” And then he walked himself back to his tiny desk and died of embarrassment, and I spat tea out of my nose. In the middle of a restaurant.
And then, he was off like a race horse jumping out of a starting gate.
“Did I ever tell you about the big boot, little foot story?” “Ummm… No.” So he told me that this one time, his brother and the neighbor kid had worked all day on making a rabbit loop, catching device. Like the kind that grabs you up by the leg. “You mean like a human snare?” I asked. “Well, yeah. But more like a brother snare.” So JS bravely volunteered to step into the loop as his big brother jumped from the tree, activating the pulley. “So I fly up into the air and I’m hanging by one leg swinging a little, and my other leg is all hanging down (insert finger and hand motions). And then my boot slips off because I’m all like FOUR and I’m wearing these big boots and I crash onto my head. Well it hurts a little, but I shake it off. You know, I don’t cry or anything. Well, right about the same time as I’m brushing myself off a neighbor lady sees the entire scene unfold. She races across the street screaming and dropping the F bomb and goes to knock on our front door. She was all like, “Do you have ANY idea what your kids have been UP TO!?” And my Dad was all like, “Yeah.” In his white undershirt eating his pop tarts. “Just watched the whole thing.”
“And then, this other time, I was out sledding with a friend and the street lights came on. Well, we were supposed to be home before the street lights came on. So I am FREAKING FLYING to get home and I’m zipped up in my snow suit. Those snow suits were really hard to get in and out of so if you had to go to the bathroom you would hold it for EVER. Like FOREVER and EVER (insert big crazy eyes). So I’m flying home and I had to go to the bathroom like REALLY bad. Like, I probably hadn’t peed all day and as I’m rounding the last corner my brother jumps out from behind a big bush and scared the piss right out of me.”
“One time, my brother thought it’d be awesome to tie our golden Labrador Retriever’s leash to my belt loop. Then he ran off and started calling the dog. He dragged me for a few blocks before my belt loop finally gave way.”
Me: “Oh my God. Where you like running, or mostly bouncing on your face!?”
“Well, I made a few good (swish, swish) fast strides before I started the face bouncing,” he motioned with his fingers like a little man running while simultaneously making the swish sounds.
Me: “Were you having fun?”
“NO. That was mostly terrifying. Not a lot of fun.”
“You know me and my brother were also in Karate, right? Well, the first day we show up to the Dojo and there’re a few high school girls, some other high school dudes and just a bunch of kids of all ages. My brother’s all playing it cool because he’s like 6 years older than me and I’m all decked out in my little karate gear. And then I see my friend John Hawkins standing in line. John and I were as giddy as a bunch of little school girls. Just basically losing our s-h-*-t all over the place. So John and I see each other and we run across the grass screaming. Like totally geeking -out and naturally we jump into each other’s arms. Like in the movies. So this became our little karate ritual. Sometimes we would collide so hard we’d fall to the ground still in each other’s arms. And then I’d go stand by my brother and Dad and my brother couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t related to me. I’m also pretty sure John had a perm. All the Hawkins had perms.”
“This other time, my brother and I were wrestling over the remote and I was wearing my head gear. Yeah, that didn’t go over too well. He pushed my head into the carpet so hard that my head gear was totally jammed and flipped over my upper lip. And then he had to put his foot on my chest to pry my headgear off of my face.”
“We were living in a condo once, for about 4 months on a private lake. My brother and I were swimming when these two couples took off all of their clothes and got in. We were really close but they didn’t see us because it was dark. So we swam real quiet, got out and went home. Then my brother dressed all in black, took a big flashlight and pretended to be lake security.”
“Also, when I was little, I remember collecting these little balls from the yard and thinking they were berries. I walked around all day with a handful of these freaking cool ass berries and I really wanted to know what they were. My brother promised to tell me what breed of awesome I had discovered if I did his chores for the day. So I finish up his chores and he tells me my new discovery was plain old Rabbit poop. POOP! I was kind of devastated.”
And the stories went on, and on….
Now I know that Michigan is NOT just a frosty tundra with lots of excess snow. Now I realize Michigan is a land with multiple seasons. Seasons for gadgetry experimentation with the help of one’s little brother. Seasons for geeking-out in front of large crowds, skinny dipping, berry picking and more. But mostly I think of Michigan as the land of ill-behaved, unmonitored and sort of awesome hooligans.
I also think these tales would make a fabulous new version of ‘A Christmas Story’.
And I’m also supposed to ask Brother why you don’t try to climb a tree with gloves on…
